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Walking through the darkness

A very good friend had to put me straight one day and told me "You can't go around it or over it, you gotta walk through this shit!" I hated the truth of that statement. Because I felt like I had already endured enough and I didn't want to deal with this shit anymore. But, walking through it, the dark, ugly, terrifying shit, is one of the main reasons I am here now, and stronger than ever. So, exactly what was it I had to walk through....buckle up


I was with my kids' father since I was 15, he was the only man I had every been with (by choice.... we will touch on that later) and we were together for 18 years, married 9 of those years. He had cheated on me constantly over the 18 years we were together. Why didn't I leave? Honestly, I really thought that if I stayed true to who I was, stayed loyal, loving and forgiving, eventually one day, he would be what I deserved. But also, I was so broken. I didn't want to put my kids through a split AND I really didn't think anyone would want someone like me. I had just accepted that, this was my life. Making sure he knew I always forgave him and loved him no matter what. I always made sure he knew that I was down for him no matter what!


We had physical fights, I had a restraining order for a hot minute, I kicked him out, I left for days on end with kids. We fought constantly about money and if I ever disagreed with him or tried to have my own voice or opinion, it always ended shouting. But he had become a master of his manipulation skills, so even though I recognized the verbal, emotional and mental abuse.... I was convinced that since he never actually punched me (although he did shove and choke me), it wasn't abuse. I know better now, TRUST ME!


About 2 months before our son was born, everything came to surface and fell apart in a matter of moments. Over the years I had become quite the private investigator and always knew when something was off and I needed to investigate things. This was how I always found out about his infidelities. Anyways, I had discovered that he had been paying for escorts for 5+ years, right under my nose. Literally, he had been bringing them to our home, in our bed and on our furniture and im pretty sure in our family car!!! I was appalled to say the least. However, I made those vows, "through good times and bad" so I agreed to try and get through it. Unfortunately, right before our sons first birthday, I discovered he hadn't changed and was still doing the same thing, so I left him.


But that wasn't it. After leaving him, my need to understand lead me to discover that he was sending pictures of me to men and posting pictures on websites and chat rooms, all while pretending to be ME!!! What the actual f***?!?! VIOLATION doesn't even begin to describe what I felt. Fear, confusion, anger..... Oh and, kicker, he found a girlfriend, TYJ (I prayed hard for that one cause I knew it would be the only way to get him to stop begging me to give him yet another chance), she instantly started having sleep overs at his house with our kids, rumor was that they were going to buy a house together in LV (which im still praying happens lol), however, this troubled man, who's addiction runs deeper than he even understands, still couldn't help himself, was STILL posing on me on line, but now, people were reaching out to me with the photos he was posting!!!! I couldn't for the life of me understand why he was doing this. So obviously I took it all to my therapist, and have been working my ass off to try and come to acceptance of all of this. Its not easy, Im still not done. I have days where I feel like the pain and confusion are finally over and then, like a damn wrecking ball, I have days where I just don't understand why all of this happened to me. I took me going through all this hell, to learn my worth. I took me going through all of this, to become a better version of myself. I took me going through all this to really learn forgiveness and grace.


So as painful a season you may be in, don't try to avoid or ignore it. Walk through it with your head held high. Build your tribe of people who will support you and help you take every step if that's what you need. Hell, ill be your tribe if you need! I PROMISE you, you will get to the other side of it all and you won't even recognize yourself. You will be a version of yourself you had no idea existed. And I can tell you with the utmost certainty, that version of you.... total bad ass! So give yourself grace on the days you need to fall apart and feel hopeless. But then, find what that little spark within you and get up and start that walk through it all!



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